James "Jimmyco" Marcus

Party Crashing at SXSW

Jimmyco — Fri, 18 May 2012 21:11:35 +0000

I was walking down 6th street in Austin, Texas, looking for a WordPress blog party where I had VIP access. Passing an upscale restaurant a doorman asked if I was looking for the Chevy Roadtrip party. I said “sure, am I late?” The doorman wasn’t sure. Once inside I was greeted by a chipper Chevy hostess who told me to enjoy cocktails at the bar. I ordered a gin and tonic because I wanted to get right to the business of the free drink. Beer is great but liquor gets you drunk quicker.

With a second drink now in my hand. I started to chat up some already chatty bloggers. Chevy had paid select bloggers to drive across the county in a new Chevy whilst blogging about it. I discovered that I was at a filming to document the last leg of the trip, the arrival. Advertising film crews took photos and video of everything.

Again, I thought I was late to the party. There was a ton of food and everyone must have already eaten, right? They had these awesome southwest egg rolls, mac-n-cheese balls and the like. A girl said “I didn’t know we could eat yet.” – I wasn’t late after-all. People were not supposed to eat yet because the crew hadn’t filmed the food yet. I blamed a fictitious dude by telling people he told me to start eating.

My third drink from the bar was now in hand. A Chevy rep started talking to me. She wanted to know what team I was on. Time seemed to slow down, “team?”, I thought. “Green”, I said. The lady looked puzzled but I didn’t blink. She excused herself, I chugged my gin and tonic and got out before I was kicked out.

Here’s the video they were filming (yawn): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z94zEZZpXHY

I Couldn’t Agree More

Jimmyco — Fri, 18 May 2012 20:54:00 +0000

Got my margarita, time to watch the #Coyotes

Jimmyco — Thu, 17 May 2012 12:11:26 +0000

Krave is Delicious

Jimmyco — Thu, 17 May 2012 02:40:19 +0000

Krave cereal is composed of little pockets of chocolate, imagine mini Milano cookies. Very tasty I must say. I detected grains in there somewhere. My endorsement is not paid, but if Kellogg’s wants to make that happen I am down. I was hoping it wouldn’t suck as it costs $4.50 at Fry’s. The name “Krave” is my only complaint, sounds like a cheap Vegas night club.

Caillou – The Hairless Freak Child

Jimmyco — Wed, 16 May 2012 03:56:40 +0000

This is Caillou, his life is animated and narrated like so – “Caillou and his friends were playing dinosaurs but started to play too loud.” It is very manipulative and full of behavioral control elements. “Caillou realized they were being loud and suggested they played outside.”

Caillou is bald, so he probably has some kind of creepy kid-cancer. My favorite episode is where he is molested by a giant who helped him wash a car. Oh yea, he is also Canadian.

Tesla Roadster – Electric is Sexy

Jimmyco — Sun, 13 May 2012 01:02:22 +0000

Found in the Walmart parking lot. That is a reflection, not bumper damage. The paint was super glossy. I waited a few minutes to see if they owner would appear. I wanted to see which Walmart shopper owned a $109,000 car.

You Did It!

Jimmyco — Sat, 12 May 2012 00:27:33 +0000

Congrats Jesus freak, that 1,000th flyer you left on a random car in the Target parking lot was the one that made a difference. Just like a door-to-door salesmen, but with less guts, you’ve won.

I am a satirist, like David Sedaris. Notice how this tiny flyer doesn’t even have contact information, I will have to murder a random Jesus-fish toting stranger in response. Okay, enough joking around.

How would people feel if I placed “Jesus is not lord” on their cars? It wouldn’t be cool would it? I respect other people, even if I don’t agree with them, but it might be time to fight back.

Today I’ve placed an order for “Jesus is not lord” micro-flyers, each flyer contains a paragraph about respecting those who don’t “believe”. My flyers will be placed on the cars in the parking lot of each church who posts a flyer on my car (and leaves contact info, most have it).

Mind The Gap!

Jimmyco — Fri, 11 May 2012 00:55:25 +0000

Rimmel London has a new ad for “Scandal Eyes” mascara. I am in the business of writing, so I work hard on words, puns and spelling. This model is in the business of being pretty so, she needs to work harder on fixing that large gap in her teeth. The gap hurts her chances of becoming Mrs. Marcus II. Photo 2

Gatorade is Easy

Jimmyco — Tue, 08 May 2012 00:45:14 +0000

Nice try Gatorade, but soccer is still boring. They should play on ice, that would be much more entertaining (Google “Hockey”). Abby Wambach has an old face and I don’t like the play on the word “easy.” Grumble grumble grumble.

Crushed Doritos Quesadilla

Jimmyco — Fri, 04 May 2012 02:28:49 +0000

I tried to pull a Taco Bell this evening with a Doritos integration of my own. I must say, it was not good.

Lion Tries to Eat Baby

Jimmyco — Thu, 03 May 2012 23:11:08 +0000

Ha! The top video comment is also funny, “What the fuck? Quit torturing that lion and feed him/her that baby.” This is a copy, the original (with ads) can be found here.

Talk Slower and Pronunciate

Jimmyco — Tue, 01 May 2012 17:43:15 +0000

Can anyone understand what the fuck this guy is saying in the new Dark Knight Rises trailer? I can’t understand him in any of the three trailers. I think Condescending Wonka would say, “Oh, you wear a scary mask and talk funny? How original.”
Watch the Dark Knight Rises trailer

Hawaiian Decorations

Jimmyco — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 04:48:05 +0000

These festive decorations are from the dollar store. I think they look like real people via forced perspective.

Bad Advice in Boxing History

Jimmyco — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 23:03:28 +0000

Doc Louis gives the worst advice. What a jerk. I’m trying to beat this game and my virtual trainer is pimping the Nintendo Fan Club. On a side note, doesn’t Doc look like Stanley Hudson from The Office?

Grandma’s House to Swim

Jimmyco — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 23:03:24 +0000

Gaze deeply at the coolest grandma on earth as she has a pool. She isn’t my grandma as I stole this picture off the Internet.

If an elderly lady in my neighborhood mistook me for her grandchild, what would be the harm if I played along? Let’s say that maybe this old lady has a pool, if I should swim in it all summer pretending to be her kin, what would be the harm? I wouldn’t rob her or anything. If anyone knows such a lady, let me know.

Coyotes Make Blackhawks Cry

Jimmyco — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 17:21:11 +0000

Mike Smith is a god among men. You could say that we idolize athletes too much but this guy really deserves it. Hockey still has passion because the players play with passion. I can’t say the same for the NBA, where I feel the fans are more passionate than the sold-out players. On a side note: I loved when Bissonnette beat the crap out of Bollig, see videos below:

Highlights:
OT #1 – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rffa9pg31G0
OT# 2 – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5C01V7UPr_w
OT #3 – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCEK7QR8th4
Bissonnette fight – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOGrsBSK1qc

Jennifer Hudson

Jimmyco — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 23:50:23 +0000

I am not a fan of Jennifer Hudson. Unfortunately, her face keeps appearing in front of me. So I’ve decided that the only way to fix the problem is to associate her with positive things I like.

I like pizza, therefore I should like Jennifer Hudson. Face it, bringing food into the equation can mend hearts. I once forgave a friend because he bought me Arby’s.

I like animals and lately I have been fascinated with Sphynx cats. Notice how Jennifer fails to gain their attention even with a toy.

I like ice cream, so seeing Jennifer Hudson eat her way out of a bowl seems like good fun. I hope Weight Watchers isn’t watching. You could probably place any enemy in this situation for comic relief.

Old Men Playing Golf

Jimmyco — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 18:01:18 +0000

This is old Tom Morris, golf legend circa 1905. He held the record for biggest margin of victory of 14 strokes for over 95 years (from 1905 to 2000, when Tiger Woods won at Pebble Beach by 15 strokes). Tom was 84 years-old when he set that record. Old Tom died at age 87 in 1908 after falling down a flight of stairs. I hate golf but respect old Tom Morris tremendously.

She’s Totally Quirky

Jimmyco — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 16:53:07 +0000

But she might be too dumb to realize it’s raining on her own… On a related note, here is a list of terms the gossip website Gawker has recently used to describe Zooey Deschanel:

Overemphatic stage wink
Melted-bead craft project
Lisa Frank needlepoint
Sentient glitter cloud
Over-iced Funfetti cupcake
Living Pinterest board
Probable Yelp reviewer
Novelty ukulele tune
Possessed Anthropologie mannequin
Animated Hipstamatic photograph
Crocheted Etsy woman
Living dog sweater
Bambi’s rabbit friend
Hipster labradoodle
Satchel of fairy dust

The Popular Vote

Jimmyco — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 18:41:49 +0000

Facebook Questions can be a handy way to interact with fans. Community moderators need to remember to uncheck “others can add options” when creating a Question. A conservative Facebook page forgot, and the choices people added were pretty dang funny. This poll was created before Santorum dropped out but it still lingers on: (Note: I removed the name of the page that created the Question.)

Sphynx Cats Are Awesome

Jimmyco — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 23:43:41 +0000

While I don’t think I would ever purchase a cat from a breeder (for moral reasons), hairless cats, also known as Sphynx, are wicked awesome. This one looks like a mean old man.

YouTube Excellence

Jimmyco — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 18:17:26 +0000

What separates fine wine from hooch? The videos below are the Dom Pérignon of YouTube, with less bubbles and there are no rappers involved. I plan on making this a regular feature as my “YouTube Wonders” post is one of the most popular on my blog.

“Sweet Brown”, is her name and getting a cold pop is her game. I thought this was fake at first but then I checked the source KFOR.com – it is a real news story. I would love to get a cold pop with her and talk about bronchitis and other things.

TNT knocks it out-of-the-park with this mob type viral campaign. Nokia has a similar campaign going right now, but this one fucking rocks. Just watch it, when you think it can’t get better, it does.

There is a popular TV franchise called “My name is”, where people dress and sing like their favorite music artists (I wrote about it here once). There are like 35 countries with their own version of the show, we don’t have it here oddly. In Latin America it is called “Yo Soy”. Anyway, Kurt Cobain has been reborn!

Verizon Lacks Originality

Jimmyco — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 17:26:48 +0000

Watch this SNL sketch from the ’90s:

Now watch this Verizon ad that started airing last week:

Not cool. The ad is clearly a rip off of the SNL sketch. Unless it was intentional, which I doubt, someone has some explaining to do.

The Art Scene is Brutal

Jimmyco — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 17:51:57 +0000

The Louvre can be overwhelming. On my second trip, I noticed some of the more brutal works of art. The work above is clearly not a family portrait. I like to call this painting “Chop Fest” but it’s real name is “Beheading of Saint Cosmas and Saint Damian” painted by Fra Angelico in Rome in 1438. Notice the halos on the decapitated heads, a sign of martyrdom.

Lunch is served! Oh, wait! That is a human head, you can’t eat it. Actually this is a very famous scene, depicted in many paintings (1, 2, 3). The painting above is by Bernardino Luini and is one of the less famous depictions.

Dude, I think you need to go to the hospital! “Nah, man I will just lay down for awhile, I’ll be alright.” This is Saint Pierre of Verona and he didn’t survive, painted by Ambrogio Bergognone in 1494.

“Sorry to interrupt madame, a mob has hung Billy and it is not looking good for the rest of us.” Painting by Filippino Lippi.

You know things are bad when a half-man/half-goat is bonding with your baby. The baby (really an angel) is just chilling, while goat-man lets his ding-dong breathe. I have no information on this painting. I took all the photos above and Google Image “Search by image” did the rest.

Real Orange Soda

Jimmyco — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 18:58:10 +0000

European Orange Fanta, American Orange Fanta and Orangina. Which one looks the most natural?

Everyone who visits Europe goes through a “compare everything to Europe” phase when they come home. This time I am impressed by orange soda, among other things of course. In Europe they don’t put up with orange soda that contains no juice. I drank 3 or 4 bottles of Orange Fanta because I couldn’t get enough of what American orange soda could be like. You can buy Orangina at Safeway, which is basically the same thing. European Fanta is not sold in the US.

“The original formula of Orange Fanta, available in Germany, Austria, and other countries, is completely different from the drink marketed in the United States as Fanta Orange. The original contains orange juice and has a color similar to orange juice, while the version made for the US market is artificially colored red-orange, uses brominated vegetable oil and has no fruit juice.”

Related: Real Chocolate Sprinkles